Ok. This is a stupid rant. And for those of you that know me,
you can attest to the fact that I don’t usually get overly emotional. Especially about matters of little consequence.
Has anyone out there peed pants from laughing yet?
Because I totally love to get overly emotional!!!! Especially about matters of very little consequence!!!
As evidenced by my overuse of bold fonts, italics, AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!! throughout this blog.
Also as evidenced by the fact that I just cursed a mothalovin’ blue streak at Kraft Foods Inc. for using adhesive to stick the seasoning packet to the cellophane bag of pasta so that when I go to rip the seasoning packet off of the bag of pasta, the bag rips and the dry pasta flies all over the kitchen instead of into the pot of boiling water, and I have to sweep it up off of the floor and counter so I wind up with 2 month old Cheerios and lint balls mixed in with my Tuna Helper.
Congratulations, Kraft Foods: you are an asshat.* Lose the glue gun at the end of the
production line and let that seasoning packet float free in the Tuna Helper box, mkay?
But I digress.**
What was I saying?
Oh yeah! So this is kind of silly rant. But for real I don’t get it, and so, of course, it makes me mad: I have 11 teacups taking up one whole shelf of my cupboard. Why do I have 11 teacups collecting dust and high jacking my precious little kitchen storage space? Because they came with my china set. Okay actually 12 teacups came with my china set. I don’t know what happened to number 12. Maybe it committed suicide because it felt worthless. If it did, it was correct.
Because they’re dumb. And that, ladies and gentlemen is my rant. Why the fuck do modern china sets still come with teacups? Twelve of them??
I have a couple of points here. Let me give you some bullets!
- I could see my China set including the teacups if I lived in the UK or China, or some other country where they still drink tea at home instead of at Starbucks like a civilized human being. But I don’t. I live in the US, where hotdogs and cheese whiz abounds. And where you can get a “china set” for around $70. In fact, “china” is a real stretch for my set, because this stuff is one step above paper plates. (But the good Chinet paper plates, not those crappy family reunion paper plates.) So yeah…no matter what receptacle Queen Liz insists her minions drink from, this is totally America, and I prefer to drink out of a beer bottle*** or a wine glass.
- Those teacups are itty bitty. Like a double-A cup. You can barely fit a teabag**** and a quarter cup of water into those cups, let alone 16 teaspoons of sugar. Also? Didn’t congress recently pass a bill requiring all US citizens to strictly follow Starbucks beverage size guidelines when indulging in all coffee and tea related drinks? And isn’t the Starbucks small short like 64 ounces?
- They are totally and utterly useless. Well…okay, okay, yes. I use them every year to color Easter eggs. But that is only to legitimize their existence in my kitchen. Also, I use one to sharpen my chef’s knife. Yes, I use a chef’s knife! Because sometimes I don’t feel like eating Tuna Helper. Like right after I’ve thrown up from eating too much Tuna Helper. And then I have to cook things. Anyhow, yeah I use the bottom of one of the teacups to sharpen my knives.
So I’m putting my 11 remaining teacups up for sale to the highest bidder. Because although I am a Real-Housewives-watching-Tuna-Helper-eating waste of carbon, you, my friend, are productive, creative, and chock full of teacup-using energy; you have just been waiting for your written invitation to the wonderful world of teacup activities. This is it. In case you are having trouble envisioning your teacup-laden future, I have developed the following list of teacup-worthy uses:
Target practice –
The shattering of the porcelain will make for a very satisfying indicator of success for the proficient marksman. Find someone who will throw them up in the air for you, and you’ve got yourself one lively (and colorful!) game of skeet shooting.
3 & 2/3 complete sets of “hide-the-ball” – Travelling with a carnival? Hosting a children’s birthday party? Have I got a deal for you! I have three sets of “hide-the-ball” that you can use to entertain the masses! If you can provide just one Dixie cup, you’ve got four sets! (Balls not included.)
Planters – I am guessing you can grow things in teacups. But I wouldn’t take my word for it. I have killed cactus. Maybe Google it to make sure before making me an offer.
Drinking things other than tea *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* – Use these teacups to drink bourbon, scotch and moonshine, right out in the open without harassment. Got a long drive ahead of you? The wife’s insisting that you watch Grey’s Anatomy with her so that you two can “bond?” Need a little help getting up the nerve to talk to the office cutie? These teacups (and what you put in them) are the cure for your boredom and lack of penis cowardice. Because c’mon. That attractive lady co-worker would never assume that you purposely brushed her boob with your hand while reaching for the stapler because the booze gave you the liquid courage you needed to make your move when you’re drinking out of one of your teacups!
Host a Tea Party –You are uncreative, and obviously boring. That is why you are hosting a tea party.
Anyhow…make me an offer and basically if it covers shipping they’re yours. Unless I get
distracted and stop checking the comments on this post. Better act fast…my attention span is shorter than your average midget.
*I’m trying that one out. What do you think? Less offensive than asshole, but you still get the point across and utilize obscenities. Personally, I’m a big fan of “asshat.”
**I always digress. I never don’t digress. What is the antonym of digress? Whatever it is, I never do it.
***Perhaps I have accidentally touched upon a genius idea here…they should totally forego the dozen teacups in lieu of a 12-pack. But it should really be something classy. Like Molson or MGD.
****Okay, seriously I will pay you if you didn’t laugh at that word. Yet another reason that the teacups gotta go.